You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
