don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
