How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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