happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
