I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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