Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
