Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A+ Viking dick
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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