They should really pass out barf bags in church
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
