woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
