I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
