Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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