Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
