It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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