guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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