I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
