You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
A bitchslap is in order.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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