I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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