cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
