Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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