I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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