One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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