I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
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Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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