Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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