So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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