every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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