im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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