I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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