last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
