I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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