my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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