my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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