Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
