DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
