You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
