Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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