It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
