You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
