I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
