did you get engaged???
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
