where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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