He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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