apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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