The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
