I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
