What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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