I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
