Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
