I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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