I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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