You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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