I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
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Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
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I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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