i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
