Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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