my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
