Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
