I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...