My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
