I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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