if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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