just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
