Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
